Stop right there.
Stop.


If you're a guitar, bass player, a drummer or singer if you're in a rock and roll band and you think you're a star, I don't want to talk to you. Look away. I want to talk to the girls. Girls who love musicians. If you're a man, especially a musician. Please go elsewhere and read about guitar effects or something.

Girls, between you and I, if you need to choose one out of the band, make sure you choose the right one for you.

I know we all like musicians. All of them. We like them sweaty, we like them wild.
We are healthy girls and we like strange men. We like animals in bands. Sexual perversions with musicians is what we all agree on. Celibacy is not even contemplated here.

Where should start? Well, let's just say that that a sexual relationship with a rock musician should staisfy the following: the spirit, the body, the soul and a bit of eye candy is not bad as well (when you can get it). If you cannot find the 4 elements listed above all together then at least one of them in different situations can still be considered a success. Having all four of them together, well, that is Nirvana in itself.

I've always loved musicians. In both meaning of the word. Sexually speaking I only ever like 3 types. The good ones, the ones who are so-so and the ones who cannot play.

I've done them all (a few times) so here's my guideline for you hoping that your week-ends would be filled with pleasure.

DRUMMERS

If you are targeting the drummer it's because you like the “animal” type.
You will find pleasure and rhythm with every single drummer but be careful. Every single drummer I've been with this is what happened:

You are there, enjoying yourself on all fours. Your knees and elbows are still fine and then, out of the blue, like a man posessed they start slapping your bum. They can't resist it. It's in their blood. The slap becomes a triplet. The triplet becomes a paradiddle and then you are used like the best maple 5 piece drum set on the market. Without any notice, you have become his drum kit. Slapping the time signature all over your body. Kick drum, snare drum.....crash cymbal on your neck slpash cymbal on your boob. Boom! Pow! You are now the best skin coloured Pearl drumkit. All they need now is to get their tuning key out and shove it up your bum to get the right sound. Having said that your main worry would be safe sex. Drummers are renowned for not practicing that. So if you don't want to find yourselves with TWO whinging children, put the raincoat on him or be prepared to get one that cries because he wants to be fed and the other that cries because he wants to play a gig. They are both the same. At this point you should really consider choosing another instrument to “play with”.

BASS PLAYERS

If you like “teddy bear type” go for it. They are shy, tender and very lovable.
Every bassist I've done, had to remind me about “his first time”. The pain, the anguish and the all round scary “time”. It was dark and he was.....alone.
You need to cheer them up. You have to make sure they feel “wanted”. Remind him time and time again that you are having fun so that his ego is stroked. In poor words: stroke him well and you'll stroke his ego. As soon as you start the rhythm he'll start slapping you ike his favourite instrument. This is the best fun you could have when you get the “slap and tickle” technique done on you.....but try not to laugh. Just enjoy it.

GUITARISTS

This category is the most sexually diversified. You get all sorts here. Sexual experiences with guitar players are like the iPhone applications. Only when you have too many, you actually have enough to play with.
With guitarists you have sex and play the instrument in the same exact way. I'll explain. You have to experiment all positions, just like their fret board positions. When you'll find a guitarist's hand all over you, you will see what I mean. My tip is to be careful about Metal heads...they usually “shred” on the fretboard so they will translate their “finger work” on you. They go all the way up and down touching all the frets so fast that you'll know what hit you (or played you). When I find myself wet in the “pick-up” area... well, I just rock and roll! If the guitar player has a dirty tone (sound) coming from the amplifier then I guarantee you that he takes his filthy sounds to bed for your pleasure.

LEAD SINGERS

With this lot, it's a constant war.
They are the primadonnas. They are the divas. If you know the meaning of that word you'll know that it means “fist lady”. I'll tell you why. They want to be adored. They want to be admired, respected and loved.
Their ego is so inflated that a hot air baloon in the sky would be the only way to describe their attitude.
Having said that, this is the only war where the enemies actually have sex with each other.
Lead singers, my dear girls don't really want sex from you. Just just want to do it so that they can go around and tell everybody around it. It's a form of ego inflation. To get one in the sack all you have to do is tell him how good he is. They get excited when you get excited about them. There are many women singers. They are exactly the same. The only difference is that because we are superior we don't just fuck the first bloke that says “you're good”. Men do.
The front person, lead singer type is a different category all together. Whether men or woman. Nothing changes. They are the divas. They want the glory. There are the exception in the woman front person. Somebody like Patty Smith did fuck who she wanted. Any time. Anywhere and I'm pretty sure ego had nothing to do with it. With this said my dear girls I want to give you a bit of last advice. Stand tall, walk straight. Pout your lips, breasts out and go take your pick. Men are simple, musicians are even simpler. If you want to shag them, you can. There's a variety of musicians out there. Experience them. Maybe they could teach you a thing or two or maybe you could. Who knows.

In conclusion, what I'd like to say (in order to avoid hate mail and cops knocking on my door) is that you should not just spread your legs for anybody because we all know that sex with no love is kind of empty. But with all of the empty experiences it is by far the best one. Enjoy!

Mikaela Kavalli

If you want to play live with your band, click here for all the infos on the rock contest Emergenza.

P.S. In this article I was inspired by (and did quote): W. Allen, R. Dangerfield, Little Britain, Q. Crisp, P. Kensit and others that now don't come to mind. Thank you all for the inspiration.