8 simple rules that every gigging musicians should know before stepping on stage.

What you’re about to read is a strong statement and there might be those who feel deeply offended by some of the wisdom contained below but I must insist that it is firmly in your interest to understand that the rules are quite flawless and with the greatest of respect. If you are easily offended don’t read. If you want a laugh and still want to follow these rules than this is for you.

Now read and obey boys and girls.

1. Don’t wear shorts or thongs on your feet (or even worse go bare foot on stage).

Everything must exist within the confines of its proper environment. Lemmy didn’t perform in shorts; Elvis didn’t perform in bloody shorts. So please have some respect for your art. If the music should speak for itself, then by putting shorts you are muting the music. If you wear thongs (or flip flops as they are called outside OZ) it simply states: “I’ve just been to the beach and couldn’t be bothered changing”. I’m not even gonna say anything about being bare foot on stage.

(It should be noted that this rule may be utterly disregarded only by Angus Young and by anyone who has particularly nice legs or feet)

2. Keep your top on.

It doesn’t matter if it’s a million degrees up there on stage and you have the torso of a bronzed greek God, when a musician removes his shirt, he exposes himself as nothing more than a bit of a dick……if you’re female and do that, well….. you just shouldn’t. Nobody is there to see your body. They may want that after your performance but during the gigs get on with the bloody job.

3. Don’t play your stratocaster with your teeth during a solo

Ok, I know this is a controversial place to start given the heritage of this most iconic of electric guitars but playing the stratocaster with teeth in the 21st century is just wrong. It’s like showing up on a first date wearing a track suit: completely wrong (and also you’re not going to get any).  So don’t play your Stratocaster with your teeth. The flagship model of the Fender fleet has today become the graceless tool of a million shitty pub cover bands playing like Hendrix and obliviously breaking every rule in the book. Also, don’t suspend your guitar with a strap that proudly sports the name and branding of your guitar’s manufacturer. Be more original with the guitar strap.The crowd is there to have a good time, not see what make your guitar is. The fender and Gibson guitar strap should be held in the same regard as the Rolex key-ring and the Ferrari baseball cap: wanker. 

4. A Guitarist should not have a stack of 29 guitars on the side of the stage

While it is true that lead guitarists are fundamental to rock music, it remains truer still that a large amount of guitars and effects only proves that you are not good enough with one guitar. Guitar geeks who seem to show up at every gig and give opinions on this subject are under no circumstances to be treated as valid.

 5. Guitarists should not have a 8 foot long pedal board

The role of the lead guitarist is a complex and delicate issue and the main issue here is what we could call “pedal board envy”…….Mine is bigger than yours sort of thing. Do you really need 67 pedals? does a song need that many different sounds? stick to a warm tone. Hendrix used a whammy. That’s all. 

6. A bass guitar shall have no more than four strings and shouldn’t be worn very high.

This is a controversial one and as a drummer I’ve had many arguments with bass players. It should also be noted that an electric bass guitar must have frets and its body should in no way look like it might be made from a moose antler. Furthermore if the instrument entirely obscures both nipples, you’re wearing it too high. There was a period in the 80’s where bass players wanted to be the leaders and decided to wear the bass under the chin. For the love of god…..don’t do it. You look stupid (and it’s not the 80’s anymore). 

7. Don’t end every tune with a long monologue of requests for a perfect monitor balance.

Nothing kills the magic of live music like letting us all in on the secret that you think it sounds bad up there. Speak to the sound man before you do this. If you can hear anything at all, you can get to work. Pretend it sounds great and we might all believe you. The crowd does not care. They bought the ticket to hear you sing and play, not hear you complain about the sound. Get on with it.

8 You must promote your band shamelessly even from the stage but don’t tell everybody that “they’re the reason you’re doing this”.

Tests have confirmed that if you are confident on stage and you remind everybody what your band name is, the audience remembers. Also, promoting merchandise and future gigs is good but please don’t say to the audience: “I love you”  and that they are the reason you are there on stage performing. Audiences get bored easily and don’t believe your arse kissing for a second

And so this is it kids. If you follow these simple rules you’re not only going to be much cooler but most importantly, you’re not going to look silly (which is more important really).

If you are offended by the piece above than go back to practicing your instrument….take your mind off it.

W.S.C.