Here I am. Yes, I'm double trouble. I'm a soundguy, I confess....but I'm also a musician. My life ain't easy. I'm like a Manchester United fan that coaches Manchester City. The sworn enemy. I have to hide this fact to both 'species'.
When I play I pretend I don't know anything about sound. I know too well that what pisses the soundguy off is some 'mr know it all' with attitude. It pisses me off too. When somebody during soundcheck says ' yeah man, I usually get more of this and that....' This, I cannot stand. Sometimes I think that the great wall that divides the musician and the soundguy is just a bit of misunderstanding.

Maybe I'm an idealist. A pure at heart, but I think that all you ned is 10 solid rules to follow and things would be so much better. I'm not saying that we would fall for each other but at least life would be more bearable.
So my dear musicians and colleagues if you want to avoid looks that can kill, if you want to avoid being told to fuck off by the soundguys please follow these simple steps and life will be easier. These following, are things that us soundguys would never want to hear from bands:

1) Musicians that say: 'I can't fucking hear a thing' 

My dear friend...you have 104DB shot to your face. Enough sound to blow the hair off your scalp. Maybe you can't hear the voice, maybe you can't the guitar but unless you are completely deaf, you must hear something. In this case all you have to do is tell me what you need more of.....what you need less of. I can help. Help me help you. The only thing you should NOT say is 'I can't fucking hear anything'. Unless that is, if you urgently need somebody to tell you that you are a brainless cock and that you should choose a different hobby.


2) Guitarists (It's always them).
Guitarists that test their 'sound' for hours and hours all the volumes and when they get to the gig, they shoot the volume from 5 to 10 on the amp. Complete and utter madness: Total confusion about quality of sound and 'quality' of volume. Suddenly everybody can only hear the loud guitar and they turn to the soundguy and give him dirty looks. The culprit? that fucking guitarist in your band. Put a cork in it mate!

3) Bands that turn up with shit equipment.
Batteries for your guitar effects, bought for 10 pence from a miscellanous shop with a chinese bloke also selling flyswats and £2 frying pans. Guitar cables that don't work. 34 zoom pedals (£5 quid each second hand) for guitarists who spend more on booze than on their sound. The horrible buzzing noise is everywhere. I can still hear it in my head. The sound is worthy of a 3rd world band from 1973.
The righful owners of this horrible set of junk will turn around and say: 'well, I don't uderstand. It always works in the rehearsal room! It must be this venue or the P.A. System'. Mate, shut it or I'll make you eat your shit pedals.

4)The lead singer that screams in the mic: ' I can't hear!!
If the above mentioned singer woud just kindly give me a sign so that we soundguys understand what to do it would not make him look like he only gigged in some fucking backyard with his mates getting pissed. You unprofessional git. Shut your trap and don't show us your inexperience. We don't care.

5)You're late!!
Bands that turn up late afternoon for the soundcheck with 2 of the 7 piece band and expect to soundcheck. 'trafic was terrible'. Yes, we heard that one before. The 2 musos, obviously turned up without their instruments (obviously). 'You know, my girlfriend is bringing the bass.....she's just around the corner looking for a parking spot'. When all 7 of them get off the stage after their gig they say: 'this bloody doundguy...he could have made an effort'. Mate, get lost. I repeat: you're late.

Once I've done working as a soundguy I strap on my beloved telecatser and I'm ready to remind my fellow soundguys that:



6)

Say hello to musicians.
It won't cost you anything. Ok, I know last night you were mixing the latest rock band in the 20,000 indoor arena. 100,000 watts. A mixing desk as long as a 6 axel truck and the crowd that thinks you are god because you are up high on a pedestal (your raiser but don't tell 'em). It's not our fault if today you're in a smelly club working with monitors that look like they're put together with blutack or with mics that look like they've gone through a clothes dryer. We don't choose for you. You choose where to work so a simple greeting like: 'afternoon guys!' would do.

7) For fuck's sake, stay behind the mixing desk.
Please stay behind the mixer.
I mean it. Right in the middle of the concert, just when that all important guitar solo is about to happen something happens and the sound disappears. Gone. That is exactly the time when the soundguy needs to go out for a cigarette or just to get that 'breath of fresh air'. Obviously meeting the girl outside and chatting her up for 5 minutes is part and parcel of this situation. Don't. Just stay behind the desk. Get a potty. Get one of those horrible fake cigarettes but just stay there. After the gig, we can offer you a beer, a cigarette and a girl (the drummer's girl obviously).

8) Speak simple. Speak english
It's always nice learning new languages. Languages, not jargon. We are happy you can speak technicalities with gear heads but please, before you open your mouth and say 'do you prefer 2K on the PS15 with multiband in there or are you used to getting the cut through with a SPX90?'. I know you wouldn't have a problem talking like that in a studio or on the moon but please refran from using technical jargon with musicians. They are a lot simpler than you think.

9) Stop chatting the girlfriends of the guys in the band (or the girls playing in the band)
Yes. Stop that. Seriously. Especially musicians girlfriends. Just stop it.
I know we're on stage and they are there next to your mixing desk and you think you have the right to chat her up but if you really need to chat somebody up, make sure it's the drummer's girl. She's there for that. That's why we bring her along.

10) Be punctual. Be on time.
Ok, now I'm preaching, I know but every musician I know, has had this problem and that is waiting around for 2 hours to do your bloody sound-check while the soundguy forgot he had a gig to work on. It's your job. During that period of hanging around and looking into each other's eyes we have enough time to stir up enough hatred for 'the sound guy'. By doing so you would be one of those stereotypes that silly musicians would talk about.......for years to come. And so there you go.

All of us need to do is get along. Musicians and sound engineers should unite because what unites us is the unspoken passion for music.....which in my humble opinion, is enough to strike a great friendship.